


just a little bit of your heart

by rosasdeesperanca



Series: song series [3]
Category: X-Men (Alternate Timeline Movies), X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Erik Has Feelings, Erik has Issues, Honestly Charles What Are You Thinking, M/M, Sexual Content, also Erik is sad, give him all the hugs, mention of death and abusive parents
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-15
Updated: 2019-07-15
Packaged: 2020-06-28 11:30:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,928
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19811398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rosasdeesperanca/pseuds/rosasdeesperanca
Summary: Erik is in love with his best friend, oldest story in the world. He's also convinced Charles doesn’t feel the same way.





	just a little bit of your heart

Erik knew one thing, he loved Charles. As much as he knew that fact he knew that Charles didn’t love him back. Not that Charles didn’t care about him, in fact he loved him but not like Erik did. He knew as much after three years as his best friend and months hearing about the same boy constantly. A cheerful, constantly smiling, energetic, pretty boy that Erik knew so many things about. Charles and him worked for the same charity, he was in the baseball team, he loved chocolate milkshakes, he was good with any animal, he had a dog and two sisters. He was pretty much Charles’ idea of a perfect man, to be honest he was most people’s idea of the person you should end up with and tell your parents about. Erik wasn’t that, he was quiet, he was broken since he had lost his mother, he didn’t smile much, he was rarely joyful, he didn’t know how to play any kind of sport with others just run in the morning, he was nothing that Charles should want. Yet, he wanted him to want him back. He couldn’t think about anyone else, or want anyone else and he didn’t want to. He couldn’t see the point of pretending he would be happy dating anyone else when everything he had ever wanted was in front of him. He only wondered how he would ever repair the damages he was causing to his own heart, he guessed it was already broken and he didn’t mind having it a little more wrecked if it meant being around Charles. 

Some days were harder than others, this day for instance. This day had been hell, Charles had invited Tom to go to the theatre with them. Raven and Irene went with them and amongst this couple and the next couple to be he truly felt like a third wheel but then again he had been doing that his whole life. The film wasn’t so bad, Erik had to admit that. He could see them laughing together, sometimes Tom even spoke quietly to Charles and he smiled at him. Erik could feel his heart breaking and tried to focus on the action of the film each time. Afterwards they went to Starbucks and it was worse, everyone was chatting enthusiastically while Erik felt so outside he wanted to disappear. But Charles noticed and looked at him gently, telling him quietly they would go home soon while Raven was explaining a game to Tom. That was his fall, Charles being so caring and considerate about him. Always taking care of him, watching over him, seeing right through him. That made it harder for him, how could he accept he had to let go when no one ever knew him like this? When no one could compare? 

When they got home, Erik went to sleep almost instantly it was only 6 pm but he felt exhausted, falling face down on his bed. He couldn’t really sleep but his mind was blank and it was the best he could get. Until Charles came into the room with tea, insisting to give a cup to Erik and sat on his bed. For a while they didn’t say anything. Charles just drank his tea while Erik hadn’t touched his. Charles could be patient, that was something Erik found out. He could be so patient with him sometimes, he was drowning with his own insecurity and silence and Charles always waited. But mostly he knew that no one could force Erik to talk and that he had to. So he sighed softly, put the blanket above Erik and said “I’m always there for you if you need to talk.” and left. Erik thought that he would love nothing but getting this out of his chest but he couldn’t. The only good thing he had left was his friendship with Charles, he couldn’t lose that. 

The next morning, he woke up at 5 and ran for two hours. His tension was still at its highest and nothing seemed to lower it. Charles had made breakfast for him and looked so concerned that Erik felt too guilty not to eat his waffles and drink his orange juice. Charles left to pick his bag in his room and when he came back, he was behind Erik holding him close. 

“I know you’re not big on hugs but you really need one. You know I’m always there if you want to talk.” 

Erik didn’t know if he would ever be ready to talk about his feelings. They felt too heavy even for him. He didn’t want Charles to carry them too. So he just nodded and Charles left for his first class of the day. 

The rest of the day was spent in the same way, Erik pretending he was okay when he just wanted to crawl in bed and pretend he was a turtle or a really lazy animal. Erik having lunch with Charles and Raven. Erik falling asleep on the couch watching stupid tv. Erik feeling utterly tired the whole day. 

As the days passed, Charles grew more and more concerned and Erik brushed it off each time. He was quiet and a bit gloomy but he was always like that, no reason to worry. He told him as much. Deep down, he knew he was too sad to even acknowledge it properly. Erik wasn’t good when it came to dealing with feelings, mostly with his. Better to just ignore them so he wasn’t exploding in front of everyone. Even though he also knew that at some point, he would explode and break everything around him. That was a scary prospect but he’d never knew another way. 

On Thursday, Charles excitedly told him Tom invited him to a daytime exhibition Saturday. He looked so happy and carefree. Erik had to act like it wasn’t tearing his whole heart apart. And told him it was great when truly he had never felt so much like the opposite of great in his life. But it wasn’t about him, it was about Charles. And if he was happy, Erik was too. Or at least, he had to try, for him. Tom seemed to be a good person, caring and friendly. He could make him happy. Erik repeated that in his head like a mantra. Everything was fine. At night, he fell asleep to the saddest song he knew. 

Friday night, Charles had been on the phone with his mother. Erik knew it was her from the way Charles’ voice sounded. No one heard him talk so sadly except his mother. And his voice, if possible, sounded even sadder. Erik tried to focus on his book but he couldn’t. He just never got used to that. It made his blood boil to know the person who was supposed to love him most didn’t care about him most of the time and caused him more pain than anybody else. It made him so incredibly angry. Charles didn’t deserve this. No one deserved to have such a cold mother. 

When the call ended, it took a while for Charles to come into the living room. Erik could see he was holding back tears. And his face told him everything he already knew. His mother had taken all his joy away, again. He should never look so broken. 

He sat down next to Erik and for some minutes none of them spoke. Erik waited for Charles to tell him what happened if he was ready to do so. 

He started with a self deprecating laugh that tore through Erik’s heart “That didn’t go well.” 

Erik just looked sadly at him. His mother must have told him terrible things again, or treated him like a failure. Because no matter how many times Charles was top of his class, no matter in how many things he succeeded. To his mother he was always a failure. He had to bear his father’s ghost and his mother’s loneliness and disappointment. No nineteen year old should have to hold this weight on their shoulders. 

He didn’t know what to say to comfort him, his mother always repeated the same scenario. Erik didn’t remember a single time where he saw Charles smile because of her. In fact, he only remembered Charles being exactly like that over something his mother did. Erik really wished he was good at comforting when he saw Charles trying not to cry. 

“She told me about them.” He started again. 

‘Them’ meant the Markos, Charles mentioned their names so rarely. This word became a way to acknowledge they unfortunately still existed. And still made Charles’ life a nightmare even with all the distance between them. 

“And then...” His words were coming out with effort and Charles was in tears now “S-she said she wanted nothing to do with me. She said I was a mistake. I dont know why...why it hurts me so much. I know she never loved me but I never thought she hated me that much.” 

That properly broke Erik’s heart. He had been the most important person in his mother’s life, she always put him above everything else. To see Charles suffer because of his mother’s cruelty was terribly painful. Erik had never understood how you could be so hard on such a kind boy. It was so hard to watch him fall apart and knowing he couldn’t do anything, he couldn’t make it right for him. He could only be there so that’s what he did. 

“You’re not responsible for what your mother thinks of you, you’re the best person I have ever met, Charles. If she cannot see that, that’s her loss. No person in their right mind would ever hate you.” He said firmly. 

Charles only cried harder and fell in Erik’s arms, holding him so close it almost hurt. He didn’t mind, if he needed him as close as possible, that’s exactly where he would be. He rubbed his back, caressed his hair, tried to comfort him like his mother used to. Erik didn’t know how long it lasted but at some point Charles let go of him and picked a bottle of vodka. He drank first and handed it to Erik. He needed it too, he decided. They both drank in silence except for Charles occasionally sniffing. Erik was feeling dizzy even though he was sitting down, and it wasn’t only from the vodka. There was a tension, Charles was looking at him in a way that he never did. He didn’t dare to think about the word it inspired in him, he couldn’t believe it was that. 

But when Charles started to straddle him and kiss him in earnest like if he had waited another second he might have stopped breathing. He understood he had been right about this. It was clumsy and messy but somehow the best thing that ever happened to him. Erik didn’t remember a time where he felt so weightless and unreal. His mind screamed ‘finally finally finally!!’ but at the same time, a small vicious part of his mind told him it was wrong. He didn’t listen to it, he kept on kissing Charles back and cherished every noise he could hear, every touch he could get. Erik felt more drunk from these kisses than he felt from the vodka. He constantly wanted more and Charles provided exactly that. In fact, it was escalating quickly. He was starting to kiss his neck, pulling on his T-shirt. 

He didn’t know what to do, he could stop this, but did he want to? He couldn’t help thinking it was his only chance to be close to Charles like this. It sounded disgusting in his mind and he hated himself for that. But he had spent the last years pining after him, that didn’t leave much control in his system. The sole thought of Charles in his bed writhing beneath him was making his whole body react. It was clear what part of his brain was in charge and he let it happen when he held Charles, as he was straddling his waist, to his room. 

Having him on his bed, watching him take off his clothes, helping with some. That felt so out of reality to Erik, always thinking he would wake up and find himself hot and bothered but no, this was real. He was with Charles, kissing him for all he was worth. And when they found themselves completely naked, Erik was on the verge of tears. This was happening, he wanted him even if it was just for tonight, he trusted him. And was he beautiful, Erik wanted to frame this picture in his mind forever. 

Erik had never felt like this before, he didn’t remember the last time he was with someone like this. It had been a while, two years, more probably. He had been dating a girl, she was nice, his mother liked her but he broke up with her when he realised he loved his best friend and five months later his mother had died and he couldn’t see the point of it all. And now here he was, in his bed with the only person he wanted to have any kind of physical or emotional contact with. But this wasn’t so easy, they weren’t on the same page. He could notice it in the way Charles was frantically kissing him, touching him everywhere.

Charles never mentioned it but Erik knew he was a virgin. Since university, Charles had been more chatty and outgoing but Erik knew that deep down, he was scared of relationships. Erik understood that perfectly, he never asked but he knew. And that was only plain to see, not that it was bad, everything he did was wonderful and so genuine that it made Erik’s heart clench. Everything he did, made him feel, made him love him more. So much he thought he may not handle it. Charles was kissing his abdomen when he realised he didn’t have any condom. He didn’t plan on having sex with anyone and frankly the prospect of just hands when they could have it all wasn’t so great. 

“I don’t have a condom.” He still said quietly. 

But Charles only looked at him and shrugged “Do we need one?”

“Well, not really...” he couldn’t even finish his sentence that Charles was already on him, taking all his attention. Erik guessed they didn’t really need anything this time, not like there would be another time. 

So Erik took the hand lotion he had on his night stand, the best lubrification he could find at the moment and started to prep Charles. When it came to that, Erik was a virgin too. All learning and fumbling hands. Charles was responsive and Erik made a vow to remember each noise and each move he made. Erik was already on the verge of tears. When Charles was ready and he finally entered him, it felt a little too good to be true. The only thing that proved it wasn’t a dream was that a dream of his couldn’t be that perfect. 

It wasn’t anything like their previous kissing, not fast and frantic. It was slow and tender. Erik was pouring all the love he had into it. And it was heartbreaking, he constantly wanted to cry and stop and simultaneously stay there forever. It was complicated but not as complicated as what was happening. Charles’ moans were becoming desperate and he was starting to lose his mind with how close it got him to the brink of his pleasure. He didn’t know it could feel this amazing, this right. Perhaps, it could only feel like this with someone he truly loved, perhaps it could only feel like this with Charles. Maybe, it will be meaningless in the morning but it wasn’t in this moment, and for him it probably never will be. 

He tried to keep it as long as he could, but he was starting to get closer to release and was relieved to see Charles in the same situation. As his thrusts got more and more erratic he couldn’t help but saying in a broken voice “I love you, I love you so much.” It was stronger than anything in him and he had lost every bit of self preservation and fear in that moment. Orgasm hit them almost at the same time and Erik wanted to laugh in ecstasy. Nothing had ever compared to that in his life. And he feared that nothing would come as close to this in his future. 

If he still had the ability to speak, and if he dared to say those words to him. Charles would call him a pessimist and an idiot. He was that sometimes. In that exact moment, he was both and he couldn’t care less. He was also completely sated and he couldn’t move for the life of him. Charles was the same, Erik was happy to notice his head was resting on his chest and he was holding him close. He couldn’t help but smile in spite of himself, because even when he knew that they weren’t together, that Charles didn’t feel the same way and had a date tomorrow, he had never thought he could have that with the person he loved. Perhaps that would ruin their relationship but it had been so long since he had felt alive. And he appreciated it until he fell asleep, not caring about how disgusting he would feel both physically and mentally in the morning or anything else. 

When he woke up, he felt like he just got hit by truck. His whole body felt like marshmallow and his head was buzzing. And he needed water and a good shower. But what struck him most was that Charles wasn’t in bed anymore, he could’ve guessed as much but it still broke his heart. Instead of crying and feeling sorry for himself he got up and took a very cold shower. It grounded him, whatever happened was in the past and now he had to ready to handle any pain he might go through. His life revolved around that. And he wondered when he would finally breathe and just live without having to be tough all the time and hide his feelings. 

He chose his comfort pajamas that his mother offered him for his sixteenth birthday, made himself a bowl of cereals and watched the Looney Tunes, feeling completely numb. Charles wasn’t here, he wasn’t supposed to be and he had a date at 3, Erik reminded himself “A date, with someone that could make him happy. Not you.” Sad, how the earth didn’t swallow him whole when he wanted it to. Erik tried to keep his mind completely empty. It was a game he started to play when he knew his mother had cancer. It helped him when he was filled with a ache that took over his whole body, mind and heart, he thought about nothing and for some minutes or hours he forgot about anything, he was barely there. That’s what he wanted most, sitting there in the couch he had brought last year with Charles, disappear into the void. 

Erik was dozing off when he heard his phone buzzing. That was Raven calling, he instantly picked up. She asked him if Charles was with him because he hadn’t shown up for breakfast and he wasn’t with Tom and they were worrying. She asked him if he had been sick, if had any problem. Erik couldn’t tell her the truth and after everything that happened Erik started to worry too until he was completely aware of something, he knew where Charles was. Or at least he was pretty sure he would hide there. He said he would find him to Raven and got dressed faster than he ever did in his life. 

He ran to the park they always went to after his mother died. When they wanted to be on their own, nobody ever went there with them not even Raven. This was where he learned most things he knew about Charles and this is where Erik allowed himself to feel with another person. That was a meaningful place and maybe it was wishful thinking to go there hoping Charles would be there, would go to their safe place when he didn’t know where else to go. But Erik found that he was right when he saw Charles sitting on their bench, looking absolutely wrecked and drained. 

When he sat down, Charles had no reaction, he didn’t even move or blinked. Erik was more worried now than he had been when he had Raven on the phone. 

“Charles...” Erik’s voice was cracked “How long have you been here?”

When Charles looked up at him it was with blood rimmed eyes “I don’t know...I’ve walked for a long time and then I’ve stopped there.”

“Did you drink or eat anything?”

Charles shook his head. 

He exhaled “You can’t treat yourself like that.” He brought out a bottle of water “See? That’s exactly why I took that with me. Drink and we’ll pick something to eat for you.”

Charles obliged and drank. When he spoke again, Erik’s heart violently clenched “You knew I was there, you always know where I am. How do yo do that?”

He couldn’t show the amount of his feelings or how shaken he was “You’re my best friend.”

Charles snorted “Best friends who had sex with each other. I guess that’s not that rare.” 

For a while, Erik couldn’t even breathe. This had happened. And he hated himself for it. But mostly he hated how it had been the best thing that happened to him. And how he would never have anything close to it ever again. 

“I’m sorry. It’s not aimed towards you, if anything it’s my fault.” Charles explained.  
“I went there because I felt...terrible. Sad and dirty. I felt like I used you. The way I jumped on you, I don’t know why I acted like this, it was so...unlike anything I’ve ever did.” He said, his eyes down.

“I didn’t really reject you...and I felt like I was using you.” Erik admitted. 

He looked up and rose his eyebrows “How so?” 

“You would’ve never did that with me if you hadn’t been so upset. I felt like this was my only chance, I took advantage of you.” 

Charles looked at him, concerned “Erik, do you really see yourself like this? Like you have to grab crumbs of love wherever you go?”

“I never thought I was good enough for you.” He answered honestly. 

“Well, you are wrong. I’m a mess, my mother doesn’t give a single fuck about me, before you my only friend was Raven, I’ve spent most of my life thinking no one could ever love me. I’m far from dreamy and you are far from being beneath me. You’re a wonderful person, Erik. You’re smart and strong, you’re incredibly loyal and honest. I don’t know why you can’t see that but I do.” 

Erik was overwhelmed, everything was too much. He didn’t know what to think or do, he was completely helpless. 

“I have something to ask...” Charles started “Did you mean it...last night, when you said you loved me? Did you mean it?”

Erik could only nod. Not daring to look at Charles and see pity. But he surprised him and took his hand. 

“It was my first time last night, I trusted you enough with that and somehow I realise now that you’re the only person that could make it feel so...important. Perhaps, I’ve been wrong about many things and you made me see everything was right in front of me.”

Erik couldn’t hope, he couldn’t but there was a part of him that did “What do you mean?”

“I thought you didn’t want a relationship, I thought I had to like someone else but maybe it should’ve been us all along.”

Erik blinked, he didn’t...he didn’t talk about a relationship “Us...together?” 

Charles nodded “Hm hm, I think I was wrong this whole time and so were you.” 

Erik couldn’t talk, he physically couldn’t. He was completely helpless. 

“Besides Raven, you’re the only person who told me these words. My father might have said he loved me, but he died when I was 7 so I’m not really sure. Erik, it means the world to me. I know what you think of yourself, because I know you and I know what it feels like to ruin yourself because I did so often. You deserve more than what you let yourself have.” Charles said softly as he caressed his hand. 

These words hit Erik, they were so close to what his mother said once, that he never gave himself a chance, that he always settled for the less he could get. He only guessed it was worse now, now that he was left on his own. Without her as an anchor. He was lucky he still had Charles but he still had trouble understanding what he meant. It didn’t make sense. 

“Charles...I don’t know what to do.” He whispered. 

Charles laughed fondly “You don’t always have to do everything, you know.”

Erik smiled weakly at him “I feel so helpless, like I’m drowning and there’s nothing to keep me at bay.” 

“I’m here, Erik. I’m not going anywhere.” 

He felt like he could breathe again, that’s all he wanted to hear. Charles was his safe place, as long as he had him he could handle the rest. 

“We should go home, I’m getting cold and this bench? Not good on my ass after hours sitting on it.” 

That was the first time Erik laughed that day. It was good to feel like a person again. Erik wanted to feel like that more often, he oughted to try. 

They walked side by side back home. Charles smiling softly at Erik every time he looked at him, his heart missing a beat each time. When they arrived, Charles made them hot chocolates with cinnamon just like Erik liked. It eased his anxiety a bit. Charles still needed to eat. 

“I could cook you something? We don’t have much but...” 

“I’m not hungry.” Charles cut him before he could talk about the pasta. 

Erik remembered what his mother used to tell him when they first arrived to the United States and they had barely enough money to eat every day. He should always take care of his health no matter what happened. Now, he wanted to care of Charles’ health, if he had been reasonable and refused they would still have the same relationship and Charles would be alright. He wouldn’t be alright but he was used to that, he wasn’t used to complete dark when it came to what he had to do. 

“Erik, we need to figure this out. Truly we do, but I’m exhausted and you look just as tired. So can we please put that aside for now, can we just sleep?” 

And his voice was so insecure and weak that Erik could only nod. He stayed seated at the table while Charles got up. 

Charles’ eyes looked so gentle when he said “I meant...together, in my bed. Can you come with me?” 

Sleeping with Charles? It sounded like a dream, it was a thing boyfriends did, he knew as much. His mind was still filled with self-doubt and hurt that he could get rid of. But he nodded again and followed Charles to his room. 

None of them got naked this time, they were both wearing their shirts and pants when they laid down above the linens. His heart was still aching, he couldn’t help it. He wasn’t used to good things, he always thought they would disappear as soon as he would get a good grip on them. But it didn’t happen, Charles was still there and he was still tensed, he tried to relax. And focused on the ceiling, counted the books on Charles’ shelves. There were lots of them it would take some time, good. 

“We’re fine, I’m here. You don’t have to be scared.” Charles murmured as he got closer to him. 

And it was like he was reading through him, better than anyone or even himself. Because he was scared, above all else. He was frightened. It was going to be a long and tiring road before he could really trust something so genuine and wonderful in his life. 

He only said “Okay.” And tried to sleep. He could do that, that was easy, natural. He only had to close his eyes and pretend he was sleeping until he was asleep like he did all his life. It was simple, he just had to stop thinking so much. 

Charles took his hand and kissed it before he said softly as he snuggled to Erik’s chest “I love you too.” 

For the first time in so long, Erik felt perfectly happy with no shadow around him, telling him he wasn’t enough and couldn’t make it. Just pure, unadulterated happiness. So that was how it felt, then. Erik hoped with all his heart, that it was only the beginning. That he was someone Charles could want by his side, someone that could be worthy of his love, always. Yes, Erik was scared but he was hopeful when he fell asleep that night and that was the only thing that mattered.


End file.
